Nothing Really Poignant - James in Taiwan

In my freshman year of college I had a crush on a classmate named Rob. He was a classically cute uke-type guy. Sometimes we would bump into each other at the cafeteria and we would chat. I tried to become friends of his friends, but that wasn’t too successful and I thought that nothing was going to come of this.

At the end of the year I decided to enter the random roomate lottery for my sophomore year. Two weeks later I went to see the computer generated list and I found that Rob was going to be my roommate. Boy, was I shocked!

Summer came and went and soon I was moving in. Rob was an out-of-state student so he had already moved in when I was carying in my clothes and stuff. I was ready to have some time getting to know the guy I had a crush on for the previous year.

Things were fine for the first few weeks, but soon Rob’s habits began to get on my nerves. For example, he liked these special crackers (which taste nice) but he would nibble them like a chipmunk. Unfortunately these crackers were extra crunchy and this sound would really get on my nerves.

That aside, Rob and I still got along. We would listen in on our neighbor talking loudly on the phone. (Our neighbor was a dance major named Ernie who always was looking for a new sugar daddy.) We also would go out and see movies together, have dinner and share gossip, but this didn’t absolve Rob from one of his most annoying qualities, his love of Bette Midler and Judy Garland. I don’t mind them, and honestly I do have some of their music, but I don’t listen to the Beaches soundtrack every weekend.

I still could not figure out everything about Rob. Sure, he liked Beaches, but he had a photo of a really beautiful girl on his desk who is his “ex”. Sure he only had female friends, but he was friends with me. Sure he liked sports, but he was the mascot on the university cheer leading team. Everything added up to a normal gay male, but I wanted confirmation.

I would occasionally ask him about a girlfriend, and he would point to the photo of the ex, but this is just a photo. I would ask if he had a crush on any of his friends, but he always said no. Enough was enough, I was tired of waiting and finally decided to just ask him straight out, “Rob, are you gay?”

He was quiet for a while, and he said no. I wasn’t really heartbroken, just confused. This can’t be, he is so queer! I wasn’t convinced, so every night before I went to bed I would ask him, and he always said no. This went on for the entire year, and if anything he was consistent in his responce.

So it was the end of another year, and I decided that I was tired of roommates and wanted a single room. Sure living was Rob in the beginning was nice, but I got to learn all his bad habits and he became less and less attractive over time. It was time to live alone and move on.

A few years later I graduated. I found a boyfriend in LA and a job in the Bay Area and life went on. One summer we went back to LA to visit my boyfriend’s family and we swung by WEHO. We went to a few clubs and then to Don’t Panic which sells t-shirts that say “I’m not gay, but my boyfriend is” and surprise-surprise, guess who was working there? Rob…

So we said hi and I introduced him to my boyfriend. We talked for a while to catch up and talk about our careers. The whole time we were avoiding the one question, why was Rob working in a gay t-shirt shop in WEHO. I had to ask it, it was driving me crazy and I finally felt that I caught him in his lie so I had to ask again… “Rob, are you gay?”

He was quiet again and my boyfriend and I were staring at him waiting for him to respond. Rob was looking very nervous and then he gave the following response, “No, but don’t tell my manager. He thinks I am!”

Staring Goldfish
Originally uploaded by chengyee.

A friend just sent me an email this morning telling me that Lance Bass came out of the closet.  Although this isn’t the biggest shock, I am dissapointed he didn’t tell people earlier, like when he was famous.

You can read the “exclusive” story in the online version of People Magazine.

I showed the news article to Steven this morning and he said “who is that”.  I replied “He is one of the singers in N-Sync!”  Steven then replied, “Oh, he is the guy who has eyes like a goldfish.”

I never thought of Lance like that till he pointed it out!

When Steven and I arrived in Vancouver we had a problem. We were getting married in 3 days and we didn’t have wedding rings. Why didn’t we get them in Taiwan? Well I have sausage fingers like my grandfather and unfortunately the fingers of the average asian male are under size 10.

We decided to spend the entire day Saturday looking for a quality jeweler in town. We found a few places that sold Jewlry online, but we were worried that they would be closed or wouldn’t be able to do a rushed order. Fortunately we found Jones the Jewler near our hotel, and they were open and very nice and very accomidating. They helped us pick matching bands, delivered on time and provided top notch service. We were in and out of the store in less than an hour and had the entire afternoon to go sightseeing (we went to Stanley Park).

If you are in the Vancouver area and you are looking for a high quality jeweler that can provide gold, platnium, silver, steel bands, engagement rings and custom designs, then I suggest you check out Jones the Jewler.

So you are ready to tir the knot in Vancouver, but you need to find someone to conduct your ceremony.  In Canada you can have either a civil marriage conducted by a licensed Marriage Commissioner or you can have a religious wedding.  We had a civil wedding, so I will provide some insight on that first.

The best way to find someone is by word of mouth.  Our commissioner was Ann Moore, and I couldn’t think of a more caring individual.  Steven was very nervous due to language issues, and she helped us through the ceremony.   You can browse the entire list of marriage commissioners if Ann is unavailable.

Once you have contacted the commissioner you should ask about the following information:

• Dates and availability
• Fees
• Location
• Number of guests
• Clothing
• The ceremony (sample ceremony)

We had a very simple ceremony with only two friends attending (the minimum required) in a small house wearing casual attire.

Once you have decided to get married in Vancouver, one member of the couple getting married needs to apply for a Marriage License with a Marriage License Issuer.  The marriage license is valid for up to three months from the date issued and costs $100 CDN dollars (cash).

When we applied for the marriage certificate, we supplied the following information for each person:

• Passport
• Full legal name
• Marriage status
• Current address
• Phone number
• Birth date / location

Please remember to have all the information for EACH PERSON before visiting the Marriage License issuer.  You can review the PDF form used to obtain a marriage license. You can also search the database of Marriage License Issuers.

Vancouver has wonderful weather, great food, affordable accomidations and they will marry anyone who qualifies for marriage.  How can you tell if you qualify?  Basically you need to meet the following requirements:

• Currently unmarried (for 31+ days)
• Over the age of 19

That’s it!  This means that you do not need to have any of the following:

• No blood test
• No citizenship requirement
• No gender requirements

To find out more, please feel free to read the BC Vital Statistics Agency article on How to Get Married.

Well, If you don’t already know, I have been very busy over the last few weeks dealing with my wedding. Yes yes, I am now officially married (according to Canada). This was a big step for the two of us. We decided ~6 months ago to finally tie the knot. It is actually very easy and I will post the information soon.

Many people know that I love listening to the radio while travelling in the car. Once I moved to Taiwan I needed to find a substitute and I found it with podcasts on my iPod.

One of my favourite podcasts is Morning Stories, which happens to also be a NPR radio show from WGBH Boston. Their radio program features short stories (some are true, some are fiction) read either by the author or the host/producer, Tony Khan. during one of their programs that aired after the New Year they asked for people to send in comments concerning where they listen to Morning Stories. I decided to photograph the bus I take in the morning, write a few notes on the photograph and I then sent in the following email:

Dear Tony,

I am sorry I am so informal, but you already seem like an old friend to me! I heard in one of your “back issues” a request concerning where people listen to Morning Stories. I am currently living in Taipei, Taiwan and I listen to Morning Stories on the bus along with a few other NPR podcasts.

Your podcast in particular has helped me integrate more into this culture by providing me with a small bit of levity each day. My old routine when I was living in the Bay Area was to turn on KQED on the way to work (this substituted my morning coffee). My iPod and your podcast has now substituted this old habit that helps me get through the day. It is now so important that I contemplate skipping work if my iPod is not charged or is broken! I just wanted to thank you for your efforts because every morning I get to listen to 15 minutes of what’s going on at home, and that is so important to me.

-James O’Donnell

PS. I took a photo with my camera-phone when you made that plea for people to send in comments where they listen to Morning Stories. I wanted you to be able to see where I listen to you, not just read. You can check out the photo I took with notes and personal comments on Flickr here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/james_odonnell/107547876/

After further correspondence with Tony I sent him one of my older stories that talked about when I told my mom that I was gay as well as a few other stories that I have. Well I guess it turns out that they liked one of them, because they talked about my email and one of my stories in the second half of their weekly radio program last week. If you have iTunes, you can listen to the program here: WGBH Morning Stories - Behind the Blue Ribbon.

Today Steven and I went to the store to buy a pcmcia card so that I can plug in the new camera memory stick into my laptop. So far we have purchased 4 other pcmcia cards and they were all incompatible with my laptop, so before we left the store we wanted to test to see if it works on a similar laptop.

This was a smart idea, because returning products in Taiwan can be very difficult, if not impossible. We wanted to make sure that we wouldn’t have a “Fry’s” experience here in Taiwan and we brought the camera so we can test the connection in the store.

Before we tested the memory stick in the pcmcia card I took a photo in the store. We inserted the card and Windows recognized the memory stick. Steven suggested to the clerk to open up the card to see the photo we just took, but he didn’t realize that we already had taken a photo of Steven the other day. The clerk opened up the folder where the photos were stored and opened the first photo on the card. The problem was that Steven was not wearing a shirt in the first photo and he was standing behind the couch, so he looked naked. The first words out of my mouth were “he isn’t naked there” but the clerk was already smiling and Steven was turning bright red.

Steven forbade me from posting the picture up here, so I will leave it to your imagination.

I wanted to write a little bit about when I origionally came out. Many of my friends probably have never heard this story, since it happened long before I told them that I was gay.

You see unlike most people, I told my mom long before I told any of my long-time friends…. at least 6 years earlier. I don’t know, but I had the idea at the time that your mom would love you no matter what, but you can choose your friends (and they can choose you as well). I was afraid for a long time and tried to avoid telling them until I was in college. I found out later that this was a mistake and I underestimated my friends, but this is not a story about that.

This story is a nice one, about my mother’s suprising reaction when I first told her that I was gay. I was 14 at the time (yes, 14… I knew this when I was young) and we were on the way to school. At the time I was attending a small Catholic school up the penunsula near Palo Alto. This was a 50 minute drive and we would regurlarly grab breakfast in the morning on the way to school. On that day we were going to McDonalds to get pancakes. This is still a breakfast I will get quite often because (saddly) McDonalds is one of the better places to get pancakes in Taiwan.

After I grabbed both of our breakfasts and headed back to the car we pulled out of the parking lot and headed back towards the freeway via surface streets. I decided I should tell her then so I said “Mom, pull over the car, I have something to tell you and you shouldn’t be driving when I say this.”

I think she heard the seriousness in my voice and pulled over. When the car was safely parked I began to tell her. Yes, I was very scared but I felt that I could tell her anything. I said “Mom, I am gay.” It was as simple as that. No long explination, just a simple statement.

There was silence in the car for some time. This silence made me worry, but she was just thinking about how she can respond to that. Her responce still suprises me to this day. What my mom said was “Jim, thats OK, but you still have to do your homework.”

She was one of the most non-judgemental people I ever knew, and no matter what, she said she would love me. Later she did ask me if it was just a “phase” but when I told her no, she accepted that.

I know many gay men do not have a positive story like this when they told their family, but I was just lucky enough to have such a loving and supportive one.